Expression
by eunc
Summary: After Van retrieves Hitomi from the Mystic Moon in episode 25, what are his thoughts? What does he feel for that brief moment before he separates from Hitomi and becomes a soldier in the Great Gaean War? What are his unsaid words?


**Disclaimer:** I do not own "Tenkuu no Escaflowne," its characters, or its story plot. They belong to their respectable owners and creators.

**Author's Note:** This is a fabricated insert of _Epi__s__o__de 25: __The__ Zone of Absolute Fortune_. I believe this scene to be a pivotal moment in the series and wondered about Van's thoughts during this moment. Please voice your concerns, criticisms, flames, opinions, etc. in review form. Thank you.

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**Expression**

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My heart pounded against in my chest, my breath rapid and heavy. I could barely contain my excitement.

I had done it: I had traveled to the Mystic Moon by my will and had brought you back to Gaea.

But did you want to return? I didn't even ask you that when you ran into my arms. And even if you had wanted to return to this war-torn planet, were you disappointed that Allen hadn't been the one to whisk you away? Had you been praying for him?

"Van, are you all right?" The sound of your quiet voice in my ear only made my blood rush faster through my veins: that and the feeling of your slender arms wrapped around my torso. "Where are we? What's happened here?"

Reluctantly, I explained, "The Alliance has started warring against Zaibach. Judging by the flags and guymelef units, this is the Cesario front." Unlocking your arms from around me, I jumped off Escaflowne. I turned to you and offered my hand to help you down to the ground. When you took it, I thanked the gods that I wore gloves. If I had felt your bare skin against mine, I wouldn't have done the right thing.

That was when Cesarian troops approached us. I saw you step back warily but I held your hand firmly in mine and pulled you behind me. "It's all right. Just stay behind me."

After that, you released my hand and didn't say another word while the soldiers applied for my aid. They appealed that their morale was low and that Escaflowne would lighten their soldiers' spirits and offer them courage. In fact, my mere presence amongst their ranks would inspire them; after all, I was the Boy King of Fanelia, the young man who had lost his entire kingdom to Zaibach. In short, they wanted my vengeful spirit.

And that displeased you. I could sense your unhappiness even without looking at you or hearing you say a word; I knew that you didn't want me to be used as a weapon. But their words…their words made me think of Fanelia. And you were right, about before: I wanted to fight, I liked fighting. I liked fighting for the dead, my family's honor, and now your safety.

But I also had another reason to fight. I wanted to repent for treating you like a tool, like how they're treating me now.

Without another consideration, I gave the Cesarians an oath, promising to aid them with Escaflowne in the coming battle. In exchange, I made them secure a transport for you back to Asturia, back to Allen. I'm sure that you were anxious to see him, but you were too kind to mention him right now. You were always considerate of my feelings, now that I think of it.

As soon as the Cesarians left, you touched my arm with a gentle hand. I shook my head, telling you without words that I already knew but there would be no argument. "I want to stay with you, Van," you said almost immediately. "I might be able to help you."

And I wanted you to stay by my side but knew better than to encourage you. You would do so much if you stayed, I knew that. And if other nations here found out about your powers, your gift would become an everlasting curse. They would use you relentlessly to win the war and not care that you were a person, another human being like them. They wouldn't understand how precious you've become to me, how I needed you and lived just to hear your voice and feel your touch. No, all they would see would be a weapon of victory and destroy you.

"I don't want to depend on you," I replied as steadily as I could. Lifting my face, I somehow managed to look into your emerald eyes and tried relaying what I felt in my heart. "I don't want to depend on your powers, Hitomi." If I did, then you would be in the battle with me; if I did, then you would be in greater danger. I would go mad if you died because of me. I needed you to stay alive so that I had a reason to continue.

I know you wanted to say more, but the Cesarians returned with news about your transportation to Asturia. They had readied a ship and waited for you, their honored passenger. Wanting to get you away before another battle started, they ushered you towards the ship before we could properly say goodbye. But maybe—maybe it was better that we gave no farewells. That way, we had a chance to meet again. If we said goodbye, it would mean our last encounter, our last meeting.

The transport flew you away into the blood-red sky, and I stood alone and watched you disappear into the fiery sunset. Even if alone, I had to see you go to believe in your safety, to believe you would reach Asturia in one piece. You would be safe in Allen's hands; he loved you as much as I did. He had proposed for your hand in marriage, after all. Who could question his love?

As you left and watched through the window, I could see that sad look in your expressive eyes, those eyes that yelled out your worries and concerns. I wish I could've told you not to fear, that I would return safely—I wish I could've taken away your fears. But I have those fears as well.

I don't know if I will survive the coming battle, this war; I don't know if I will ever avenge Fanelia or have chance to truly rule; I don't know if I will marry or have sons; and you know this with me. Please, don't leave me with that sad expression. Wherever you are, I will return to you. Although I'm unsure about my fate, I will do everything in my power to make it end with you. You are the one I care for most—you are the reason I live on.

I love you.


End file.
